| are you still out there?? i had a dream that it all was a dream and you were here. if this is just some sick joke i promise i've learned my lesson...i'll go where ever you want me to go. i just miss you so much. i'd do anything. i just can't accept that you are gone. i don't believe it. you aren't gone...you are just hiding...and someday i will find you. |
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| hey check us out at myspace...thats where all the cooler than xanga ppl go nowadays....www.myspace.com/brittnineteen |
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| " and then you'll come when all the flowers are dying. and i am dead as dead i well may be. and then you'll find the place where i am laying and kneel and say and ave there for me. and i shall hear tho soft you tread above me and all my grave will warmer sweeter be. for you will bend and tell me that you love me and i will sleep in peace until you come to me...."
that makes me cry every single time i sing it....it doesn't matter how many times either... |
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| i see the world so differently now than I did a week ago. its a dark and scary place now full of people and faces that i don't want to talk to. everything seems so pointless now. school is meaningless. even guitar is meaningless. theres this emptiness in my heart. i cling on to people in hopes it goes away but no matter what i do. its still there. no matter how many words i write or how many times i cry...i've lost all appetite to succeed or push forward. i have to dig myself out of this hole. if not i could lose more from this life. so i'm going to ponder and ponder hard about the great purpose from all of this. i feel it deep inside that there is something life changing that can come out of this. i must let it come to its surface. in the meantime i'm going to keep my head up. theres nothing i can do to bring him back. theres no way that replaying our wholes lives and thinking what if is going to change anything. i have to accept it.
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| well i went to chicago for spring break and i'd take it all back in a second. Mikey died tuesday but i didn't find out til wednesday. I've never felt so sad, so sick in my whole entire life than how i feel right now. I felt extremely guitly...just wanting to go back in time. He called me the day he died. and i wasn't around to answer it. I'd give anything to talk to him one last time. It hits me so hard. I can't eat. I can't function. I'm just there. Pretty much feel dead myself. Josh has been great through this. Hes been understanding and supportive and i know it must be strange when your girlfriend is pining over her ex. but mike wasn't just my ex lover he was my best friend. I've never felt such closeness with anyone til him. He impacted my life so much. Even after we broke up he was still in my thoughts in my prayers and I would talk to him and go visit him. I cared about him always no matter what. I feel guilty that I wasn't a better friend the last couple of months. I wanted to give him space so he could move on. But i think he needed me more than ever and i wasn't there. i'd give anything to be there. i just can't believe it. i can't believe hes really gone. i can't call him up and check up on him. i'll never run into him...*sigh* i remember the last time i went over to his house. he was upset and i went over to cheer him up. he was so sad and we cried together. he told me how beautiful i was and i felt his pain. i told him i would love him no matter what. i told him i was here for him but i could only be a friend. he was so precious... |
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